A Letter to the Fireworks

Originally published April 2023

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I'm writing this in a public park, though something tells me I ought to write this in my room instead. I still remember where I was and what I was doing when the news was shared with us. It felt so strange.

I was playing 'Garfield's Nightmare' on the DS and I didn't know if I should continue playing or not. Instead I closed to system and shoved the console aside. I've always had difficulty crying when 'appropriate'. Sometimes it's too early, sometimes it's too late. Sometimes when I feel like it there's nothing there at all.

They did come when I was reading a passage in 'Franny and the Fireworks'.

"Franny was the fourth of July" it read and reminded me of you, and the fireworks.

And so I felt the need to write to you, even if i know the letter won't be delivered, not receved at all.

Not long after I stood at the foot of the castle, gazing up at the towers and the night sky, how small I felt then. In that moment, fireworks were everywhere. They were the most beautiful bursts I had ever seen, exploding and shining in the dark. I believe that's was the second time I cried.

It's been years now, and I often contemplate, I often wish, and I often wonder. How I wish I could have known you more, and how I wish you could have seen me now. I don't know where I stand from a religious point, but I do believe that you, and others, occasionally gaze down upon me. And I hope you smile.

Sometimes when I'm working at my desk, or dancing in my room, I feel a glimpse of you, looking over me. It does make me feel a little embarrassed, I'm a terrible dancer, you know? I just hope that, despite it all, you're proud of me and who I've become. Still becoming.

I never actually liked that castle. I only like it now because I've tied it to you. An incredibly large and beautiful castle is fitting to you, someone larger than life, someone beautiful inside and out and someone who loved to live.

I want to laugh with you again, to meet you and know you again as an adult now. Please, in any way shape or form, tell me you've been laughing up there? I don't know whether to laugh or smile as I write this letter. You're a bittersweet memory. I always loved you most out of any of them, because you allowed yourself to feel loved. You captured that love within you and made sure others felt that love too.

Do you know how you still affect me now? How I strive to become a better person because of you? How I think of you everytime I see the fireworks go off in the sky?

Everytime I see the fireworks, you are in them. You are them.